Happy Monday y'all.
Welcome to my new Blog
Addison and Aiden. I posted this post on my design blog
A {Kiss} of Color today but
this post is also the perfect intro to the journey I'm going to travel on my new blog Addison and Aiden so I figured I would re-post it here.
I'm not one for
blogging about my personal life. I'm a very private person with the exception of
talking about my marriage, my awesome husband and the beauty of life every now
and then on my design blog. BUT life isn't always beautiful and we have to accept that part of
life as well because after all THAT IS THE REALITY OF LIFE, so I'm embarking on a new path. Life has brought so many changes, curve balls, etc. lately that I figured why not try writing as a way to release my thoughts instead of holding them all inside. Why not share something that many other people are going through. Why not have a place for good days and bad ones as it's probably a place that more people can relate too then others!
I mentioned on my
design blog a while back that I was making some changes to my business because Eric (my husband) and
I wanted to focus on growing our family. This was something we had been trying
to do prior to that business decision but I decided that I wanted to have even
more time for my family and more time for myself to be completely honest so I
made that business decision official. The time was well spent and focused on
what I truly wanted but the growing of our family never came.
I have had
Endometriosis ever since
I was a child. I don't really need to go into the details of it but it's an
extremely painful and incurable disease that affects 5.5 million women in the
United States, Canada and many millions more through out the world. I've always
been concerned that this disease could affect me having a baby one day but it
was always a thought I kept way deep inside and out of sight. Every now and then
I would bring the issue up to doctors but they would always dismiss it with the
same response "oh you're so young, you don't need to worry about that right
now!" So on I went with my life.
We tried and we
tried.
We went to a
Holistic doctor.
I tried supplements
after supplements.
Diets after diets
but still........ nothing.
Over two years later
the response I would continue to get from doctors regarding my condition just
wasn't working for me anymore and my Endometriosis continued to worsen. Two
Dilation and
Curettage procedures later I wanted answers and I wasn't going to stop until
I found them. Blood tests, exams, I was at the doctors what seemed like every
day. Exhaustion, depression, anxiety, sadness, pain. I felt it all. I wanted
nothing more then to know why I wasn't getting pregnant but the process was
taking a huge tole on my well being and mental state so I took a break. I needed
time to step back, relax and reflect.
After about a 3 or 4
month's break I continued my search for answers and finally found them. I left
the doctor I had been with for years (and got absolutely no where with) and
found an awesome OBGYN. She was smart, direct and got straight to the facts and
details. Without wasting any time she sent me for an
Hysterosalpingogram
x-ray that looks inside of your uterus, fallopian tubes and the area around
them. I'll never forget this day for the rest of my life. I remember feeling a
bit nervous about the fact that I was going to get an answer to a question I
lived with for so many years but I never thought in a million years I was going
to be told what I was told on that day.
The doctor
instructed me on the procedure he was about to begin. He told me to remain calm,
breathe and let him know if I felt any discomfort or pain. He pulled the
sonogram machine to my eye view and pointed out my uterus, fallopian tubes and
anything surrounding them that we would be taking a look at and then the
procedure began. I watched as the dye entered my body. My uterus filled with
dye, my .......... ....... . From that moment everything went blank and life
pretty much felt like it stopped. The dye never moved from my uterus and my
worst fears came true, a disease that I had always feared was now laying on that
cold metal table with me. My fallopian tubes were now both blocked from the
Endometriosis. The doctor at the x-ray imaging office broke the news to me as if
he had just told me what he had just ordered for lunch and I remember my body
beginning to tremble and my ears clogging up as if I had just gone deaf. I got
up from that table, ran to the bathroom and burst into tears.
What did he just say
to me? How could he break this news to me like this? How could this happen to
me? Why? How do horrible things like this happen to good people?
The thoughts were
endless.
I never got dressed
so fast in my life and when I left the exam room I couldn't even walk into the
lobby to get my aunt who was waiting for me in the waiting room. I needed air.
NOW.
Calling my husband
with that news was the hardest thing I probably ever had to do. So many thoughts
were going through my head. He didn't sign up for this! I wish I could have told
him this before we got married! He wants children, what am I going to do? I just
couldn't help but blame myself in every way, shape and form until I heard his
voice. We'll get through this. I love you. We'll do whatever we have to do. This
has nothing to do with you. You're all I need. His voice felt like a warm, dry
blanket on a cold, wet day.
It took weeks to get
over the news and I honestly wouldn't say we got over the news but rather
processed it in whatever way we both needed too. Tears, love, hugs, long talks,
no talking at all, long walks, meditation, sleep, drives, a trip. We did
whatever we needed to do to get through the news that we wouldn't be able to
conceive on our own and that
IVF was now our
only hope of having a child of our own.
Will we let this
stop our dream of becoming parents? Of course not. What doesn't kill you, will
only make you stronger and that's the way we are looking at this. We obviously
both never in a million years thought we would ever have to go through this but
the reality is... who does?!!! No one wishes this for themselves, no one dreams
for this but we're NOT going to let this stop us.
You know, I read so
many blogs, Facebook statuses, see tons of pictures from people that are
pregnant, just had a baby, have 2 or 3 kids, etc. and I celebrate their joy with
them as I would never think negatively towards anyones joy or the gift that they
were given by God but I felt the need to speak about what life has presented in
OUR lives. I felt the need to speak about life when it might not be going so
well. The not so pretty part of life. The reality. Like I mentioned before I'm
an extremely private person and but I felt the need to be open about this and my
true feelings because I DO KNOW that many women in the world face this issue
with me and finding someone or some where you can relate with or that is open
about the "not so pretty things in life" is very hard to find.
So
Addison and Aiden will be a place where I will write about our journey through IVF and
everything that leads up to the day Eric and I become parents (God willing). I
even plan on posting things about babies, posts on baby goods, the works!
Positive thinking is a HUGE part of the IVF journey. It's so important to be
stress free and have your mind focused on your true goal so anything that is
going to keep me there is what I plan on doing.
Life brings so much.
The good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty BUT through it all we MUST have faith,
we must believe, we must stay strong. God never gives us anything we
can't handle.
