Fresh Air

 Eric and I recently went out East in Long Island which we try to do as often as possible. It's so peaceful out there. The air smells so fresh, we love the greenery and just truly love way the way some folks live out there. Farmers, people selling the fruits and vegetables they grow in the market, etc. It's the way I believe we should live.

 Any who!

 While we were driving around Eric and I came across a glass greenhouse in Jamesport and boyyyyy was I in heaven. I might of even eeeeeeeeeek'ed and skipped around a bit!

 Rows and rows of plants and flowers. This place truly amazed us.

 Here are some photos to show you just exactly what I mean...

 

 

 I just love him...

 

 

 I was in flower heaven. Can't you tell?!

 

 I just couldn't leave the orchid aisle. I wanted to take all of them home with me!!!

 

 After the greenhouse we went over to the Lenz Winery.

 I love this winery and their Cabernet Sauvignon is delicious!! It was such a great time. We just sat down with a bottle of wine and did word search puzzles together, challenging each other with who ever could find the word first got a point! LOL. We are such a silly couple, but I loved every minute of it. It always makes us laugh and laughter is a good thing! 

 It felt so good to not think about those daily stresses we have these days. To just be able to enjoy each other and savor the moment. 

 Moments like these are so important, especially when you're both going through something like we are. It's important to have moments together where you can just love each other and each others company.

anything else? | journal #2

 They say you're only given as much as you can handle.

 Who determines that one is the question of the day.

 Today I received a call from the doctor letting me know that they received my genetic screening results. As soon as I heard her voice I knew something wasn't right. Of course the next thing she said reaffirmed what I already knew.... something wasn't right! She began the conversation with "I just want to start off by telling you that just because you have an abnormality doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, it just means you're a carrier". My body stiffened.

 I am a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a disease that is caused by abnormally functioning motor neurons that control voluntary movement such as walking, talking and swallowing. Of course when you hear something like this from the doctor for the first time you think, OH MY GOSH something is wrong with me! But of course that isn't a factor here. I'm just a carrier, so the next step is Eric going in for the same genetic screening because you both technically need to be carriers of SMA for it to be passed down to the baby and that still isn't a 100% guaranteed. If both parents are carriers of Spinal Muscular Atrophy there is a 25% chance in each pregnancy of having a child with SMA, a 50% chance of having a child who is an unaffected carrier of the condition, and a 25% chance of having a child who is not a carrier and is unaffected.

 A lot to randomly take in anddd I of course can't help but let those "bad" feelings creep in. Those... I wish I knew this before, another issue, something else to think about, something else to worry about.

 Who ever thought or knew so much went into having a baby?

 I've never heard anyone I know go through all of this or any of it for that matter. All I ever hear is "I'm pregnant, I'm having a girl/boy/twins, I'm having a Baby Shower" and then 10 months later I receive a birth announcement!

 It's crazy how so much can happen to one couple. One couple that would make amazing parents.

 I guess that's just how life goes sometimes.

 On to the next step... more testing.

 

ivf process | journal #1

So our IVF process has officially begun.

I had my first round of blood work to test my hormone levels and my FSH on Friday, May 10th which was Day 2 of my cycle.

At first I thought, no big deal... I'm just going in for some blood work BUT my feelings changed as soon as I got to the doctors office. I walked into a room that had about 50 woman seated waiting to be called. This was not a lab for getting routine blood work done, this was the actual fertility doctor's office. When Eric and I had originally gone to this office on April 5th there were only two other couples in the lobby, so this is why I stress what I walked into this time. It blew me away and drowned me in sorrow. I had an overwhelming feeling of, "Oh my gosh, THIS MANY WOMEN are going through reproductive issues?" It scared me. It broke my heart. But it also showed me that I'm not alone. About 10% of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant and that's only in the U.S!

I signed in, sat down and just started thinking about EVERYTHING. Wow, we're really doing this. How's this whole process going to feel? Will it work? Are these doctor's the best? Ohhhh boy the questions and thoughts didn't STOP! But about 11 tubes of blood drawn later, I had simmered down and actually decided to meet with my IVF Coordinator so that she could answer some of those questions I had flooding my brain! When I left I felt ready to do this. Ready to make moves. Ready to have a baby. I even made my appointment for taking my IVF class where I'll learn how to inject my medications into my body on my own or with the help of my husband.

It's all becoming so real.

The lab is closed in June so we'll begin our cycle around the second week in July. On Day 2 of my cycle I'll go in for hormone blood work and that evening I'll begin my injections. About a week or week and a half later I'll have the retrieval and then after 5 days of fertilization the fertilized egg is then transferred to my uterus. After that it's bed rest for a couple of days and then a waiting period of 2 weeks until we know the results. It seems like it's all going to happen so fast but I can already see how long the days we'll seem when we're waiting to know the results. I guess it's the same thing as conception and waiting for your cycle to come or not. It's all a process. One I am so excited and ready for. Eric feels the way as well. We can't help but think "Holy cow, we're going to be pregnant so soon!"  I know many wouldn't want to think that way due to the fear of failure but we refuse to see failure and we refuse to feel or see that negative side. I mean in reality why do you need to think or be open to the "negative" or to "failure". You're making yourself feel sadness before you even go through process, but why make yourself feel sadness before when if the process doesn't work you'll feel that same sadness then? Positivity and a stress-free environment is a HUGE key to success with IVF. So leave all of those sad, crazy thoughts alone and focus on your goal.

Thursday I begin acupuncture with my aunt who is an acupuncturist. I will be doing acupuncture through out the complete process as it's something my doctor recommended and something I've researched that is very beneficial to woman going through IVF.

I'm feeling really good about everything.

We're getting closer to meeting our miracle and that's a beautiful thing.

P.S: My blood work for my hormones came back looking great. My Estrogen level was a 38 and my FSH was a 7 which my doctor was very happy with. If she's happy, SO ARE WE!

Now we just wait for the genetic screening results to come back, along with all of the other blood tests they ran. 


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Hold Onto Hope Love

 I've connected to this song so much since we found out about my condition. I had heard this song in the past but actually in the same week that I was told the results of my HSG I heard this song again and have held onto it so tightly since. It gives me hope.

 I thought I would share it with you.

Support and Love

 

 The journey of IVF is definitely one that shouldn't be traveled alone.

 

 When I first found out about my condition being ALONE was all I wanted. I just wanted to crawl into a hole some where and stay there. I didn't want people to feel bad for me, I didn't want anyone to know what was wrong with me, I didn't want to have anything to do with anything! It was a really difficult thing to understand and to process for that matter and I just needed time to get through all of it.

 

 As a help to myself and everything that is going on in my life I've begun seeing a therapist. I started about a month and a half ago and I can't stress enough how helpful it has been. You don't have to be nuts to see a therapist! That's probably the most negative connotation "seeing a therapist" has. Talking to someone about what you're going through is extremely helpful. Something I've noticed in therapy is that hearing myself speak about what I'm feeling alone helps me. I hear my thoughts aloud instead of holding them inside where they eat at me and can't get fixed. I've realized that having someone to go too when I'm going through something is such a good feeling. I leave her office feeling renewed, optimistic and like I can accomplish anything I want I just have to continue to work at it. I mean, I'm no expert on therapy but I'm definitely a firm believer of it. 

 

 My point of bringing this up is because anyone that is going through IVF shouldn't do it alone. Although it may be difficult to share what you're going through and difficult to share your misfortune, sharing it with your family and friends will be the best thing for you. Yesterday, for the first time I shared what I am going through with my family and friends through this blog. I sent an email to them to let them know I had begun a blog where I planned to share our journey through IVF with my family, friends and I was making this blog public so that other families that are going through the same thing could find it on the web and turn to it for support as I am. It was far from easy to begin this blog and even more difficult to share it with my family and friends. I've always been a really private person, never liked putting myself out there and being open about my life BUT I've begun to change as I work on myself so that I can get through this journey and have the strength to live through the good and the bad that this journey may bring.  

 

 Talk. Talk to your partner, talk to your family, talk to your friends. The responses I got back from my family and friends gave me so much hope and strength. Hope and strength that's much needed.

 

 I hope me talking to you will help support you in talking to others.

 

 

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Can I talk about it?

 Is it wrong that I want to talk about my baby?

 

 I mean I know that I don't actually have a baby YET but talking about a baby makes me feel hopeful.

 

 I think it bring positivity and clarity on a goal.

 

 I have my hopes and dreams for our baby. I want nothing but the best for it. So is it wrong for me to plan for it? For me to have a "baby fund", for me to look at things I would love to spoil the baby with, for me to think of how I would keep the baby healthy and active?

 

 I see nothing wrong with it.

 

 How do you feel about it?

 

 Do you find yourself doing the same thing and asking the same question?

 

 

 

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