yes!!! | journal #3

I'm crying but they're tears of pure joy.

We got the results of the SMA test for Eric and he tested NEGATIVE!

The call came and my heart dropped to the floor. When she told me the news I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop thanking her, I couldn't stop crying. Pure joy in my heart. I'm so grateful. My prayers were answered. 

So it's now official. IVF here we come. My medications will be here on Friday and this weekend my cycle is expected to begin. 

I promise to post a little everyday as the journey continues.

finally a show on infertility...

 Finally a show on Infertility.

 I hadn't even planned on watching this, I actually had no idea the topic was even being discussed but I took a much needed mental health day off yesterday and while I was sitting at the nail salon Katie Couric came on and the topic was infertility.

  I was so happy to finally see a show on TV about this. It's something that so many families struggle with yet it's something that is never discussed.

 The show moved me in so many ways. Peoples stories inspired me and gave me hope.

 It's a must see which is why I'm sharing this. It's great to know more on the issue and to have a true understand of what it is you're going through or someone you love.

 To read or watch the show click here.

I met her...

I met her in my dreams last night.

It's happened about 3 or 4 times in my life since I married Eric.

I'll dream with my son. I hold him, gaze at him for what seems like hours, watch him sleeping on my chest. It's a feeling I can't even describe and these are days where I just don't want to wake up.

Last night for the first time I dreamt with a little girl. These dreams were always with a little boy but last night it was with a little girl and it was the most intimate the dreams have ever been.

The dream went through all stages. I was pregnant, Eric and I were working on the babies nursery, we spoke about what we needed for her and then I gave birth to her. While I was pregnant with her I remember asking Eric, "Am I really pregnant? My belly is so small" and his response was "yes you're pregnant baby, you're just carrying small".

When she was born Eric gazed at me holding her in my arms and our family was there too. In the dreams I've had in the past I really didn't see Eric or any family. It would just be me and a beautiful little boy in my arms.

Last night's dream felt more real then any other dream I've had like this. Eric and family being there to witness what we had created just made it seem "official" as if THIS IS REAL and we finally had our little miracle. The feeling was......

When I wake from these dreams I'm usually extremely sad. The feeling of being given something you want more then anything in the world only to have it taken away hours after it's given to you. Today though I don't feel sad. I feel as if that dream came to me because Eric and I are that much closer to becoming parents. I feel like I was being told "have no fear, you will be a mother and he will be a father soon."

It's June 5th today. July will be here before we know it.

I'm ready.

P.S: We're still in the process of Eric doing the genetic testing. Apparently a lot of places don't do this testing and of course we have to deal with the whole insurance mess as we're trying to get them to cover most of this testing since it's about $700 if you don't go through insurance. It really makes no sense to me why insurance wouldn't cover things like this. Would they prefer to cover a couple having a sickly child that would constantly need medical treatment?! Makes no sense at all does it?!

So on we go....

Live Free

 Another blessed weekend of happy thoughts and peaceful living.

 I'm so grateful for carefree days where Eric and I can just breathe without worry or struggle.

Days where we appreciate each other and the love and bond we share. It's what gives us strength everyday.

So today I thank the Lord for what I have and continue on with faith and hope in my heart that the Lord will soon give us the gift of sharing that love with a baby of our own.